after june.

i cried a river a few days before i graduated grade school.. i loved my bestfriends (then, tabs and kristine) too much i couldn't bear the thought of being in high school without them as my classmates.. LAME right? but what was i to do? since fourth grade, they were my buddy buddies. We would walk anywhere together, holding hands! imagine that! haha!

High school came and i cried even harder (without anyone knowing.) I discovered i was the only one of us eight who didn't have a close friend in class. I had NO ONE. Not even an 'a-ok kinda friend'.. There were only TWO of us from my grade school class and it was a HE! Imagine the state of depression i was in..... i felt that with that kind of arrangement (for good four years), id definitely lose my bestfriends..
only a few months in high school and i already lost THE bestfriend... one day, tabs (good lord did i love her too much!) texted me.. i was in the car with my siblings on our way to school. It wasnt unusual to receive a text msg from her that early in the morning.. I was my 13 year old self whose significant persons were her peers.. and to receive a msg that says: "aalis na ako sa barkada" was just heartbreaking. We didn't speak for 3 months but she continued staying with the group. I wouldn't ignore her, but i wouldn't talk to her either. That was the hardest thing. One would think that after a month id get used to not talking to her but it got harder everyday. We hit the 3-month mark and nothing changed. I would see her in most days with tired eyes and even though i wanted to ask her what the problem was, i never did. I would ask our bestfriend, kristine, to console her. I would, however, ask kristine not to tell me anything. I was getting used to not having her in my life. She made a choice. I made mine too.

We're still friends. She apologized, not really explaining what made her send me that text message. After high school, i asked her that ONE question that made me so cynical about having 'bestfriends' (she never knew that it was her doing). She couldn't give me an answer--and i hated it.

So now, im counting the days before id finally graduate from college. Thinking about it makes me hyperly-happy. I will be freed from the chains ive been locked to for FOUR looooong years. The torment i went through--the torturously long nights of coming up with lenghty CRAP to submit to our @*#^$%$%*#^*#&$ is finally over.

It's FINALLY over. Thank heavens!

But.....

thinking about parting ways with my friends makes me stop.
i will miss them that's for sure.
they made school less of a hell to go to.
they made everything bearable.
sometimes--fine!--most of the time, they're the reason why i DO NOT absent myself from class.
i dont drink. i dont smoke. but i have the tendency to REBEL academically.
which i actually did. Not once but ehem.... (hehe sorry Ayah.)

im just sorry we have to professionally grow in different parts of the world.
i wish i can take them with me.
i can handle change alright (thanks to tabs) but it'll really ROCK my world if i can have even just one of my friends with me.
preferably.... HAHA i will not go that farrr. I leave that to You.

no destination.

i find it relaxing to set off with no definite destination in mind. i just go wherever my mind tells me to go and only stop when i finally bore myself enough to want to go back home. i've been wanting to do that for days now, but something more important always comes up and my plans of NOT HAVING REAL PLANS are pushed to the least of my priorities.

plans. plans. plans.

before i leave for the states again, dapat i have my license na..i'm planning to drive from one state to the next by myself........or with a worthy company.. someone who CAN deal with my looooong silence and/or my sugar high moments...

sugar high moments....:
(1) me singing.
(2) me jumping around like a maniac.
(3) my uncontrollable urge to bite someone, anyone.
(4) my ugly attempts to dance.
(5) mangulit until id get afraid that id actually start to annoy someone.

tomorrow, maybe after completion, i can stay somewhere where reading priced books is not something that would cause me to be kicked out of the bookstore.

sigh..

Every time I do not see my worth and every time my confidence abandons me, I resort to my corner of the room and contemplate. My ten year old self would flash in my head, reminding me of how I was then—carefree, oblivious and extremely and irrevocably happy. But sometimes, my mind would refuse to come up with a remedy for my weak mentality and my pathetic state, that all I manage to accomplish is to drown myself further in the pool of misery. Self pity suddenly makes itself known to me, deciding cruelly that it’s fun to drag me deeper into the vastness of the dark water where neither hope nor mercy exists. It hauls me further down until I fail to live in the reality and temporarily dwell on a fantasy world where pain is not something to fear for it does not subsist; where laughter is like breathing and happiness need not to be pursued. That one corner that draws me to cry my frustrations and my disappointments is the same corner that gives me pain and comfort; that in the absence of light, it gives me the strength to be weak—if only to my own knowledge and not of any one else’s. It gives me the courage to acknowledge my shortcomings and my farfetched vision to be less of an imperfect individual. For a while, my tears are shed and my cries are released to the open. In the few minutes that I allow myself to crumble and humble myself under His gaze, I slowly regain my strength and begin to believe in myself once again. My insecurities and my fears continue to linger—only to remind me how much of a better person I can be and will be. I breathe, calm myself and finally clear my mind. And then, I take out a letter, something I’ve been keeping for almost half a decade now and start to read. I allow the words to fill me, to overwhelm me and to finally allow me to rise from my black hole. My parents’ words of love and faith written in ink—saving me from myself for the nth time, without fail.

Sometimes, it doesn’t hurt to have to endure the discomfort of having to tell someone you love them and care for them. Sometimes, maybe most of the time, “knowing” is the one thing that stops a man from sinking into the depths of insanity and taking a one-way ticket trip down to the bottomless pit. For a moment, let’s stop assuming. It doesn’t hurt to have to let them know how you truly feel.

Yep. New Year’s resolution.

..a pleasant surprise

who would have thought that i'd be bestfriends with THE maria kristina gomez alvarez? HAHA if you knew us back then, you'd never consider it. like NOT ever. i mean, whenever i look back, i DONT remember EVER talking to her. not a hi. not a hello. sure we knew each other, we just didnt see WHY we should get to know each other. it's just something that was made to exist: two people who know of each other's existence and leave it as THAT. -and im not exaggerating. not a hi. not a nod. nothing.

our first real conversation was in first year high school..... she and i were shouting at each other from the opposite side of the room. it was my fault for making a STUPID joke, but it's NOT my fault that she cannot take an innocent mistake....to cut the long story short, i made a joke (for the entire class to hear) that she has a crush on one of our classmates.... turns out, she really does have a crush on him... AND THEN, the shouting and screaming began... HAHAHA. so really, you cannot blame me for NEVER considering the possibility of the two of us being good friends.

fourth year HS came and we were barely seen without the other... how did that happen? HAHA you have to ask her that 'coz what i have is a faint memory of high school that is slowly fading away from my subconscious... i can, however vaguely, remember the halo-halo afternoons and the backfield-circle-around walk we always had.... ohh, and the ONE-SIDED telephone calls.. she'd do all, and i mean ALL the talking, and i'd give a 'ahuh', 'go on', 'im listening', 'talga?' response... i warn her every time, but that didn't stop her from calling me almost every night *sigh*

those were the days :)