sigh..

Every time I do not see my worth and every time my confidence abandons me, I resort to my corner of the room and contemplate. My ten year old self would flash in my head, reminding me of how I was then—carefree, oblivious and extremely and irrevocably happy. But sometimes, my mind would refuse to come up with a remedy for my weak mentality and my pathetic state, that all I manage to accomplish is to drown myself further in the pool of misery. Self pity suddenly makes itself known to me, deciding cruelly that it’s fun to drag me deeper into the vastness of the dark water where neither hope nor mercy exists. It hauls me further down until I fail to live in the reality and temporarily dwell on a fantasy world where pain is not something to fear for it does not subsist; where laughter is like breathing and happiness need not to be pursued. That one corner that draws me to cry my frustrations and my disappointments is the same corner that gives me pain and comfort; that in the absence of light, it gives me the strength to be weak—if only to my own knowledge and not of any one else’s. It gives me the courage to acknowledge my shortcomings and my farfetched vision to be less of an imperfect individual. For a while, my tears are shed and my cries are released to the open. In the few minutes that I allow myself to crumble and humble myself under His gaze, I slowly regain my strength and begin to believe in myself once again. My insecurities and my fears continue to linger—only to remind me how much of a better person I can be and will be. I breathe, calm myself and finally clear my mind. And then, I take out a letter, something I’ve been keeping for almost half a decade now and start to read. I allow the words to fill me, to overwhelm me and to finally allow me to rise from my black hole. My parents’ words of love and faith written in ink—saving me from myself for the nth time, without fail.

Sometimes, it doesn’t hurt to have to endure the discomfort of having to tell someone you love them and care for them. Sometimes, maybe most of the time, “knowing” is the one thing that stops a man from sinking into the depths of insanity and taking a one-way ticket trip down to the bottomless pit. For a moment, let’s stop assuming. It doesn’t hurt to have to let them know how you truly feel.

Yep. New Year’s resolution.